Episode Transcript
[00:00:00] You're listening to a live recording from Westside Church in Bend, Oregon. Thanks for joining us.
[00:00:06] Good morning. I'm Evan. I'm one of the senior pastors. Great to be together here at Westside today.
[00:00:13] I wanted to share. I turned on my iPad that I use for my notes when I preach this morning, and my ascendant asked to use it yesterday. And what was open on it is a Google search. Not making this up. It just says, how do you make chloroform?
[00:00:31] I have so many questions.
[00:00:33] His sister's been watching him this morning. I think we should probably check on her.
[00:00:40] Eight years old, and this is a good segue. We're in a new series on relationships and how to make sure they're healthy in so many ways.
[00:00:52] As we talk over the next few weeks about healthy relationships, we want to acknowledge right off the bat that relationships are not easy to make healthy. And sometimes I fear that when we talk about relationships in church, we can portray this idea of like, oh, yeah, just do these three things and do that, and then it's all good. And by the time this sermon ends, all of your relationships are gonna be perfect. And how many know the reality of relationships is messy and it can be difficult. And so what we wanna discuss as we look at the words of Jesus and what happens when we follow him into relationships is not signing up for relationships without tension, friction, or difficulty, but in the midst of the realities of the messiness of relationships, that we find health in those because we've taken time to remain in the presence of Jesus, which is our source for our own health. And that when we show up in those relationships, we do so empowered by his. His Holy Spirit. And I wanna make the case today in the few minutes we have together. The measure of your spiritual life is not how many Bible verses you memorize or how often you attend church.
[00:02:06] The measure of your spiritual life is how you live in relationship with those around you.
[00:02:12] That is the measure. That is the authentication that you have been with Jesus, that his presence and his spirit has changed something on the inside. It's not just how religious you can sound or how you can spout off the right things. It is how you exist in relationships with one another. And oftentimes we talk about the importance of loving those on the outside, the marginalized, those that we don't yet know that we want to express and extend the love of Jesus. We will continue to make that a core value of our church. But it's maybe more important when we start to consider the relationships that we already have both in this room, in our families, in our workplaces, those relationships that we can't avoid, even though sometimes we try, but that God has a purpose and a plan not just to exist in them or tolerate them, but to find health in relationships that are not always easy.
[00:03:12] The function of relationships is critical to our own emotional, mental, spiritual health. We have a loneliness epidemic happening in our society today. Half of us adults say they're lonely.
[00:03:26] The U.S. surgeon General says that this loneliness raises your risk of premature death by nearly a third, comparable to smoking 15 cigarettes a day.
[00:03:37] The WHO estimates that loneliness kills roughly 871,000 people every single year.
[00:03:46] Things that are happening in real, tangible ways that can be drawn a direct line to this epidemic of loneliness and the loneliest generation.
[00:03:57] It's not the older generations. Instead, it's Gen Z and young millennials.
[00:04:02] 67% of Gen Z say they are lonely.
[00:04:07] The church, I believe, has always been a source of community and relationships. But maybe never before in human history have we had loneliness as such a pervasive threat to the health, especially of our young people.
[00:04:26] And even when I was growing up, kind of pre Internet taking over, the church was a source for community, sure, but everyone kind of lived in community.
[00:04:38] And so what people came to church for was the content, because content was sparse. And so you go to hear like, what should I think about and what should I know about the Bible? What should I know? Nowadays you can get the best information and the worst information, the best preachers anywhere in the world, right from any screen you have, you can find preachers that are so much better than me on YouTube right now.
[00:05:03] And if you're streaming, just stay, stay with me, please don't think about what I just said.
[00:05:11] So now the church doesn't offer so much.
[00:05:13] A unique content offering. What the church actually continues to offer that is becoming more and more unique is a community with healthy relationships. If Jesus is at the center.
[00:05:28] And so this is kind of our thing. This is what we are here to do and to be and to build is not just an ideological echo chamber. It's a community with Jesus at the center that looks like health.
[00:05:42] So that people who are experiencing this epidemic of loneliness might come in and find connection and what feels like maybe the family they never actually had present because Jesus set something up for us so long ago, and we're still here today. But we got to do this with maturity and emotional health. Pete Scazzero, the author and pastor, says it's impossible to be spiritually mature while remaining emotionally immature. So let's get emotionally healthy day by day.
[00:06:14] This is not a quick fix. This is not, you know, by 11:15, you'll be emotionally healthy. Maybe instead we say, jesus, maybe start the work, or jesus, continue the work. And if you're here today and all of your relationships are completely healthy and that's easy for you, that's amazing, please talk to me afterwards, let me know the secret.
[00:06:36] But for the rest of us, we acknowledge that relationships can be difficult.
[00:06:41] And so we are here to invite God's presence into our relationships. And today I want to look at the words of Jesus that he gave his disciples at the Last Supper. So this is maybe the moment to pay attention more than ever before to what Jesus is saying, because he knows he's coming down to the end. This is the last thing he's going to share with his guys. And for many of these disciples who assume that Jesus was going to step into a position of military or political power, he was gonna come into Jerusalem and lead a revolution that was gonna dethrone the Romans, they're leaning in to say, okay, what's the instructions? How do we storm the castle?
[00:07:17] And instead, this is what Jesus Sundays in John 15. As the Father has loved me, so I have loved you. Now remain or abide in my love.
[00:07:29] And if you keep my commands, you will remain in my love, just as I have kept my Father's commands and remain in his love. I've told you this that my joy may be in you, and that your joy may be complete.
[00:07:42] My command is this. Love one another as I have loved you. Because greater love has no one than this, to lay down one's life for one friend's. And then down in verse 17, he says, this is my command.
[00:07:55] Love one another.
[00:07:58] And this echoes when a teacher of the law came to him and said, lord, what is the greatest commandment? And he said, love the Lord your God with all your heart, mind, soul, and strength. And the second command is, like it, love your neighbor as yourself. The entirety of the law and the prophets is found in this, at the heart of all that Jesus taught. And he taught a lot.
[00:08:19] Jesus boiled it down to how we exist in relationship with one another and how we channel and express his love to those around us.
[00:08:31] And so if you would pray with me, let's just invite God's word to change our hearts. Lord, we love you. We thank you for your love that has transformed so many, even here today, in so many ways.
[00:08:44] We ask that you would continue that good work. And for all of our relationships, relationships that feel healthy and they're doing well. Those that are not.
[00:08:55] Those marriages that are on the rocks today, those folks that are in a season of mourning, a relationship that is lost for maybe kids that have broken off relationships, struggles with parents and not knowing how to communicate or talk with them. Lord, we just pray all of these situations, you know them.
[00:09:16] And, Lord, we surrender and submit these relationships to you and ask, Lord, would you come close today in our relationships, we receive your word in Jesus name. Amen.
[00:09:27] Amen.
[00:09:29] I want to acknowledge right off the bat, as we're going to be in this relationship series for a few weeks, that we're going to address more than just marriages.
[00:09:37] I know that from our survey, we know there's about 75% of the adults in this church that are married.
[00:09:45] I suppose there's no 0% of the children are married, but, yeah, 75% of the adults are married. So that means 25% are in seasons of singleness. Whether that's by choice or that you are seeking out or hoping for that singleness to turn into a relationship.
[00:10:04] Divorced, widowed. And so we know that there is all kinds of scenarios and relationship statuses represented in this church. And so this is not a marriage only series. Okay? We're gonna address things within marriages, and even in a couple weeks, we have a panel of.
[00:10:22] And we're gonna discuss some of the elements of healthy marriages. I believe it's super important, but we know that there are all kinds of situations represented here. And so we're gonna take the broader view over these weeks and talk about cultivating health in all kinds of relationships that we find ourselves in, which is so important when it comes to my relationships.
[00:10:45] There's a milestone this week, this past Tuesday, I celebrated 20 years married to Alyssa. Yeah, Yeah, you should be clapping for her.
[00:10:58] Not easy, right? Marriage is not easy. The first several years of our marriage were really, really difficult. I found out recently.
[00:11:06] And self awareness is a spiritual gift. I'm asking for, Lord, more and more.
[00:11:15] But marriage can be really tough.
[00:11:17] And even this week, as I got here on Monday and we were sitting down, we're talking about our relationship series and how to cultivate healthy relationships with good communication showing up vulnerably. And as we're sitting around the table, all I can think about is that I'm 24 hours away from my 20th anniversary, and Alyssa and I had been in an argument all weekend, and as of Monday morning, we weren't actually talking to each other.
[00:11:39] And I gotta figure this out, man. I gotta get on that stage and I am here to, you know, give you the update that we are talking again. Praise God.
[00:11:50] Yeah. Thank you.
[00:11:52] My point is, this is not easy, okay? And I'm not standing up here today as the guru that's gonna, you know, give you the formula to never have any struggles in your relationships. We are all together inviting new levels of emotional health and spiritual health, and for Jesus to continue his work in our relationships.
[00:12:13] This is how we are to exist in the church.
[00:12:19] And technology has changed relationships dramatically. It's created isolation where there wasn't before. It's given people options to opt out of relationships where maybe they would have pursued relationships in generations past. Now we have the ability to exist, insulated from the messiness of relationships, and it is doing damage to our souls.
[00:12:42] And when we do talk about romantic relationships, the landscape has changed so dramatically in the 20 years since Alyssa and I got married. I can't imagine trying to date nowadays. You know, when I met Alyssa, the competition was very small for her attention and affection. I can't imagine going up against every eligible male in the state of Oregon.
[00:13:03] She would not have swiped right. Amen.
[00:13:07] I looked up. Here's some real apps that you could download, and I don't recommend you do, but if you're single today and you're hoping for a relationship, you could download Bristler, which matches people who have facial hair with people who want someone with facial hair.
[00:13:24] Or you could download Sizzle, which was created by the company Oscar Meyer. And this app pairs meat lovers together based on their shared love and preferences for bacon.
[00:13:34] How many crispy bacon people do we have in the room today? All right.
[00:13:38] How many of you weirdos that like it barely cooked?
[00:13:42] You know you're not going to get sick from it, but it's not crispy.
[00:13:48] Yeah. One person admitted back in the back. I can see you have grease on your fingers, sir. I can tell from here.
[00:13:56] Guilty as charged.
[00:13:58] It is a strange time to try to exist in relationships. And so maybe this is our protest against the wackiness of relationships in our day and age, in the Internet age, is that we actually go back to an ancient text, and we look for wisdom that has stood the test of generations and centuries for wisdom to understand what it is to exist in healthy relationships. And what we have to know is, even as we read the words of Jesus, is that to be close to God is also to say yes to relationships with others.
[00:14:34] There was a group of religious monks back in the Middle Ages called stylite monks. And what they would do is they would prove Their devotion to God by abandoning all human relationships. And they would build these towers and they would go up on these towers above the people.
[00:14:53] And there they would sit as long as it took to either be fed and die of natural causes or to die of hunger and thirst on top of these towers. And for many of them, they had other monks that would bring them food and keep them alive. And some of these monks would stay up on these towers for 20 plus years showing their devotion to God by avoiding all regular interaction and relationship with people. Can I tell you that if we're trying to follow after Jesus, whatever impulse there is to just make it me and God and nobody else is actually not the way of Jesus. Because when we say yes to Jesus, he takes us by the hand and he leads us into relationship with one another.
[00:15:30] And this is true if you're the most extroverted, the most introverted, whatever your Myers Briggs or enneagram is, nobody's off the hook. If we follow Jesus, he's gonna lead us into relationships.
[00:15:42] And so if that is the case, what we do in those relationships is a direct expression of what God has done in our hearts and our lives. This is the authentication of our relationship with God, is how we exist in relationship with one another. Just a few verses before, still at the Last Supper discourse, Jesus says by this, everyone will know that you are my disciples if you love one another.
[00:16:07] And here Jesus is looking at his disciples and they are not naturally gonna get along. We see over and over again they're in conflict, they're jostling and jockeying for position.
[00:16:18] We have in his group Matthew, who's a tax collector who has been paid by the Roman Empire as his career. And also we have Simon the Zealot, who has made it his whole life's work to attack and destroy those who work for the Roman Empire. And Jesus gets him in a room together, sits him at a table, and he says, by this everyone's gonna know that you belong to me when you and you love each other.
[00:16:42] And so this is why I have a problem with religious communities that get together and only have one kind of person in the room. Because when I look at the way that Jesus set this up, he invited people not just for the sake of getting different opinions, but because he knew that this is a scale model picture of what awaits us in eternity when the kingdom comes and his will is done on earth as it is in heaven. What happens in Christian community is that all kinds of people from all different backgrounds and viewpoints get together and experience Something of the unifying work of Jesus.
[00:17:19] And so this is something that we can't avoid, that we have to know that Jesus is compelling and calling us to love one another in community, even when we disagree. Because we all have preferred people that we like to love.
[00:17:33] We all have people that are like, I love you and not you, and let's hear what you think about this, and then I'll decide if I love you. And Jesus throws all that out the window. He places us in this new thing called the church, the family of God. And he says, they'll know that you're my disciples, by the way, that you love.
[00:17:55] One pastor said, the best defense of the gospel that we have is not some argument that we come up with. It is our love for one another.
[00:18:04] This is the best defense of the gospel to the world that is watching is that somehow we come together and we love one another the way that Jesus loved us.
[00:18:17] First John 4:20. If we can put this on the screen, John kind of is quite harsh in the way that he expresses this. He says, whoever claims to love God, yet hates a brother or sister is a liar.
[00:18:31] For whoever does not love their brother and sister whom they have seen cannot love God whom they have not seen.
[00:18:38] That's harsh, John.
[00:18:40] And I don't think John has met the kind of people that I hate because he would agree with me. No, of course not.
[00:18:46] John is making the case so clear that if we have been taken hold of by the love of Jesus, the way that that's going to come out is through love of neighborhood, love of enemy, and love for those closest to us that are the most difficult to love, oftentimes.
[00:19:04] So if you're here today and you're saying, I want healthy relationships, but I'm in that 50% of people that feels deeply lonely. I don't know where to start.
[00:19:14] I think these are three things to look for in your relationships or commit to as you seek to form relationships in this community and outside of it. Number one is commonality.
[00:19:25] This is something that happens really naturally when we're young, where we gather around common interests or common viewpoints, around things that we like and love and want to do together. And then what we find as we get older is that sometimes those relationships we begin to drift in our commonality because we stop doing the work of finding those things that bring us together.
[00:19:48] And so this is maybe the starting point for so many of us is finding commonality, shared interests that connect us. And this can happen with people that we're just meeting. Also, it can happen in relationships that we've had our whole lives where we re engage and seek to find those common interests. And that's a lot of why we do so many programs here at Westside. It's not just because we love programs or we want to keep everybody busy.
[00:20:15] Instead, it's to create spaces where we can connect over commonality. And so you saw today, we're advertising yet another encore ministry event.
[00:20:26] This is our seniors ministry, and we have Eric and Margaret here in the second row. And just, yeah, you can give them a round of applause.
[00:20:36] Kind of a weak round of applause, but I'm impressed.
[00:20:39] But we're so thrilled to see as you guys and your team have launched our encore ministry.
[00:20:46] And you're creating community. You're creating spaces where people can find commonality and connect. And that's not reserved just for encore, but we have our women's ministry that continues to just be a juggernaut around here. Our young adult service. If you're a young adult in this place and you're looking for community and connection, every Sunday night, right over here in our chapel at 5pm we have a wonderful group of young adults that gather for this very reason.
[00:21:13] This fall, we're gonna launch a men's conference. Pastor Ben is heading up a men's conference that we're gonna start talking about here in a couple weeks.
[00:21:22] And beyond that, more men's opportunities for men to connect and grow in relationship.
[00:21:29] This is why we do so much, is to create these spaces where we can say yes to commonality. Number two is consistency.
[00:21:39] We have to add consistency to that commonality.
[00:21:42] You may have done one thing one time with one person. Maybe that's not enough to cultivate a deep and growing relationship. So we have to add consistency, the willingness and the commitment to keep showing up on the days we want to and the days we don't. I remember when Alyssa and I were newlyweds, we committed to a small group that we were leading, but another couple was hosting. And the couple that was hosting it lived clear on the other side of Portland. It was about a 50 minute drive in traffic every week to get to their house to host our small group. And can I tell you, if we were not leading it, we would have never gone even once.
[00:22:18] We just every time Monday night, we'd roll around, just this feeling of dread because I knew we were gonna spend almost two hours in the car to commit to this group of people. And so every afternoon as we're gearing up to go, I'm like, do we have to go? Do we have to go? And we get in the car and we drive across Portland. We get to their house, and by the end of our time together, we'd be leaving the house, and I'd say, elizabeth, that was so good. Can you believe how good that was? And these people are wonderful. And the tone shifted. But, you know, there was a commitment that we made that we had to show up. And I'm so grateful for that commitment because it cultivated relationship.
[00:22:55] That was difficult, but that produced fruit. And then finally, vulnerability. And Pastor Ben's gonna talk more about this next week. But showing up honestly and vulnerably in relationships is so key. If you're like me, I oftentimes want to show up and project what I want people to know me as in relationships.
[00:23:17] And what we see again and again in the life of Jesus, especially with his disciples, he is inviting them not to show up as their preferred self, but as their real self.
[00:23:25] And it's through honesty and vulnerability and risk in relationships when we show up that God does something really, really beautiful and special in our midst when we show up vulnerably.
[00:23:37] Because there are people in your life and in your home and maybe in your row today that need your relationship.
[00:23:46] They need you to show up honestly and vulnerably with consistency.
[00:23:52] They need you in the relationship to push back against isolation. And you need them.
[00:24:00] You need them in a relationship. I told a story several months ago about a day that I was sitting in the Starbucks of the Target here in Bend, waiting for my car to be worked on.
[00:24:13] And it was very cold outside. It was, I think, November or December. And as I'm sitting there, I have my AirPods in, and I'm working on my computer, and I see a man walk in and just visibly. He's dirty, looks really rough. It's pretty clear he's been sleeping outside. And he gets a water. And then he sits down at the table kind of adjacent to mine, and he just starts talking to nobody in particular. And he gets louder and louder until finally another guy that's sitting at another table engages him in conversation. And I'm sitting there on my computer. I'm like, oh, thank God somebody else is talking with him.
[00:24:47] As I'm working on a sermon on how to love people on the outside or whatever.
[00:24:52] And you think it's a joke. So as they're talking, I can still hear them talking. And this man is being very kind. He's like, how can I help you? Is there anything I can do for you to help? It's cold outside. What can I do? And I hear the first guy say quite loudly, well, I just need to talk to a pastor.
[00:25:19] Turned up my podcast, lowered my head.
[00:25:22] He said it more than once. And by about the third time, where he said, I just need to talk to a pastor, I was like, okay, Lord, I get it. So I took out my AirPods, closed my computer, went over and chatted with him, was able to help him. And I've told that story in the past as an example of the ways that oftentimes God puts people in our path, that are outsiders, that we are compelled to love like he would.
[00:25:50] But as I was reading John 15 this week, I thought of that story and I thought, how many people in my life will never actually vocalize it?
[00:26:00] People who are close to me that will never vocalize their need for relationship and my attention, my kindness, my words, but need it just as bad as this guy.
[00:26:13] How many times have I tried to tune out when my kids need me to show up or my wife needs me to show up?
[00:26:21] People in this community need me to show up. And I want to isolate myself and turn up the volume on something else so I can not pay attention. And we are compelled by the way of Jesus to take out the AirPods and shut the laptop and show up.
[00:26:41] And so I'm challenged today, I really am challenged, that in all those places that need not just what I have to offer, but they need you to show up when I'm in need and you need me to show up when you're in need. And Jesus would compel us all.
[00:26:59] Pay attention, Be vulnerable, be honest.
[00:27:04] Let's show up for one another as our response today, we're gonna do what we do every week, which is to take communion together, but especially when we talk about what Jesus came to do. Relationships are not a side concept or an afterthought to the work of what Jesus did on the cross.
[00:27:26] Oftentimes we have a real clear picture that Jesus went to the cross to make us right with God, the vertical right that we were so far from him and by the cross now we've been made right with God, but you know that he also did the work to make us right with one another, the horizontal on the cross, that to be right with God is to be made right and set right in relationships. And so today, as we're about to go into communion and we receive the bread and the cup and we. We reflect on the work that Jesus did on the cross, we're not just saying, thank you, God, for forgiving my sins. We're saying, thank you God, for making a way for us to be reconciled with one another and to step into healthy life giving, cultivated relationships that look like you.
[00:28:11] This is the work that Jesus did on the cross.
[00:28:16] Let's pray as we go into communion. Lo, we bring you all of us today, we want to just acknowledge that there are relationships, probably for most of us, if not all of us, that need a touch from you.
[00:28:33] There are ways that we've failed to show up in healthy ways and there's ways that others have failed in those relationships. And so we bring all of that to you. And Lord, we pray for your mercy. We pray for miracles. We pray for sons and daughters who are far away to to come home.
[00:28:54] We pray for relationships, marriages that have grown distant and cold.
[00:29:01] Lord. We pray for reconciliation, a spark of hope and life in those relationships.
[00:29:06] Lord. We pray for those grieving the loss of a relationship, those who've lost those that they love. Lord, all of these situations are not far from your heart, but you are close and you are our healer.
[00:29:20] And so, Lord, even now, as we step into this moment of communion, we do so acknowledging that there is no hope like the hope we have in Christ.
[00:29:29] And there is no place more suited for the challenges we face than the foot of the cross today.
[00:29:35] We trust you and we love you. In Jesus name I pray. Amen.
