Episode Transcript
[00:00:00] You're listening to a live recording from Westside Church in Bend, Oregon. Thanks for joining us.
[00:00:07] Great to be with you. My name is Evan. I'm one of the senior pastors. Glad you're here at Westside at the very end of the summer and those watching online, thanks for tuning in. Glad you're here with us as well. As we are wrapping up our series in Healthy Relationships. We've been talking for a few weeks about what healthy relationships look like. We started three weeks ago talking about Jesus greatest commandment to love the Lord your God with all your heart, soul, mind and strength, and to love your neighbor as yourself, and how everything that God instructs us is actually wrapped up in those two commands. And then the following week, we talked about. Pastor Ben talked about what lies beneath and how what's under the surface of what we project to be and do in our relationships is often the most important part. And when we show up vulnerably in relationships, that is often the healthiest way that we can do that. In the last week, we talked about how important it is to see and to really listen to one another in relationships. I love that quote that Pastor Ben shared, how for most people, being heard and listened to and being loved are so similar, they're indistinguishable. That to really listen and to see one another is so important as we express love in healthy relationships. And this week I've titled this sermon, how's your posture?
[00:01:27] When I said that right now, did anyone sit up straight?
[00:01:31] Your mother's voice ringing in your ear, Sit up straight. Sit up straight.
[00:01:36] Posture is important for a lot of reasons, especially nowadays where we're hunched over a screen most of the time, right? Whenever I say posture, I think of this story. My good friend Corey told us that they were vacationing in Mexico and he booked a massage at the resort they were staying at. And he's there for the massage, and he's laying face down on the table and getting the massage. And then at some point, the masseuse who doesn't speak English really says, face up.
[00:02:07] And he didn't quite hear. He said, what? And she said, face up.
[00:02:12] And rather than interpreting that as he needs to roll over, as would be normal, he interpreted that as he needs to get on all fours and lift his face to the sky.
[00:02:24] And so as he's there on his hands and knees, wearing just the sheet, looking this, she's like, roll over. You know, posture is important. Posture is important.
[00:02:35] We want to look at this today, the way that we are postured in relationship. The way we approach one another in relationship oftentimes can determine where that relationship goes, whether towards health or unhealth. And this is for everybody, whether you're single, married, dating, widowed, divorced, whether you have a lot of friendship and you're close to a lot of people, or whether you feel completely isolated and alone. By the way, if you feel isolated and like you don't have anybody, you don't have any friends, I hope that this church, we can help in that. I hope we can connect you to relationship and community. That's what we're here to do. And I would say this even going back to our first week where we talked about how loving God and loving others is really the whole point of all of this. That relationships and healthy relationships are not some side quest in our pursuit of a successful life.
[00:03:33] That relationships are at the core of who we are created to be. That no amount of money or success or fame or power or strength, none of that matters at all if we fail in our relationships. And so God calls us into this place in community to seek after those things that will lead to healthy relationships.
[00:03:58] And I know that's easier said than done, and my heart is full today for anybody who is in a place in your relationships where you feel hopeless or isolated or alone. Maybe you're mourning the loss of a relationship or something has ended in your relationships and you know it's not coming back.
[00:04:19] And I was reminded of a story, and I want to start with this story out of 1 Kings 19.
[00:04:26] And this might feel a little obscure for relationships, but it's the story of the prophet Elijah in the Old Testament.
[00:04:33] And he's just experienced the power of God in miraculous ways come through for him, and it shows the power of almighty God. And so by any measure, he should be feeling like God's with him, and he's not alone. But the king and the queen of the nation get really angry at the prophet Elijah.
[00:04:55] And the queen actually says, as Elijah is standing before them in the throne room, the queen says, just as my people were killed, so shall it be for you by this time tomorrow. And so Elijah flees from the presence of the king and queen and is literally running for his life, feeling abandoned and isolated, alone.
[00:05:18] And in 1 Kings 19, we are told that he ends up in the desert, and he's laying under this bush, exhausted and feeling so isolated and broken off from relationships. And he cries out to God in this moment of vivid honesty before the Lord, and he says, I just want to die, God, I just want to die.
[00:05:39] And he falls asleep. And in one of the most encouraging verses in the Old Testament for anybody who ever feels abandoned, exhausted and alone, it says that the Lord appears to him, touches his shoulder and says, the journey's too much for you now get up and receive strength. Have some food. Cause everybody needs a snack when you're feeling alone. Amen.
[00:06:04] Nap and a snack, that's all you need.
[00:06:08] He says, get up, here's some food and receive strength, because this journey's too much for you. And I wanna just say this to anybody who even as we've been talking about relationships, you are feeling that isolation and loneliness.
[00:06:23] This is what God does as he comes to us in those moments where we're in the wilderness of relationships, feeling alone and abandoned. And he said, I know this is too much for you, and that's why I'm here. And so receive that today. If you feel so far distant from healthy relationships or you're looking at a horizon that looks like you're all on your own, I want to tell you today you're not alone.
[00:06:47] And the story goes on in 1 Kings 19:20, that once Elijah comes back from this point of exhaustion, he hears the still, small voice of God that calls him into a new season of fruitfulness in his life.
[00:07:02] And it's from this point that the Lord says, hey, by the way, you're not alone. There's 7,000 people still with you. And I'm gonna send you to this guy named Elisha and he's gonna be your friend for the rest of your life. I think there's friendship on the horizon. When we think that all is lost, I think there's relationships beyond those moments where we feel like it's because Jesus comes close. Amen.
[00:07:25] And so this is my hope that if you feel isolated and alone today, that you'll hear the spark of hope from the still, small voice of the Lord.
[00:07:34] And if today you are surrounded by relationships, but they are filled with tension and trouble and dysfunction, that we would look at our posture and we would look to Scripture as we are told what the posture of Jesus was in relationships. And so we're gonna go to Philippians chap. 2, starting in verse 1 is what the Apostle Paul says to us today. He says, therefore, if you have any encouragement from being united with Christ, if any comfort from his love, if any common sharing in the spirit, if any tenderness and compassion, then make my joy complete by being like minded, having the same love, being one in spirit and of one mind. Do nothing out of selfish ambition or vain conceit rather in humility, value others above yourselves, not looking to your own interests, but each of you to the interests of others in your relationships with one another, have the same mindset as Christ Jesus, who, being in very nature, God did not consider equality with God something to be used to his own advantage. Rather, he made himself nothing. By taking the very nature of a servant, being made in human likeness and being found in appearance as a man, he humbled himself.
[00:08:52] I was talking with Pastor Josh just before service, and he asked what our topic was today. I said, well, it's our posture in relationships and how we have to follow Christ into humility if we want to have healthy relationships. And he said, oh, humility, you're gonna teach so well on humility. I said, I know. No one preaches humility better than I do, you know, I said, where's my mic and my spotlight? You know, and it's really beautiful how humble.
[00:09:19] I can model this for you today.
[00:09:24] But it's true that Jesus is our ultimate example of one who had every right to not act in humility in his relationships. And yet Paul would tell us that in Christ we see someone whose entire trajectory is not up and to the right, but it's down, down, down, down, that to follow Jesus, oftentimes we get it wrong. And maybe this is one of the great travesties of the prosperity gospel kind of preaching, which is so antithetical to the way of Jesus, because what that teaches us, if we obey God and follow Jesus, our life is only going to be up and to the right. Better. Better. More success, more wealth, more power. More power, more power. And we look at the the apostle Paul, who, by the way, is writing this from prison, chained to a guard, and he says, let your mindset and your attitude and your posture be the same as that of Christ Jesus. And then does he say who everything he touched turned to gold and it got better and better and better? No, he said, who, although he had every right to grasp on to the very nature of God and all the power and perks that come with it, instead he laid it all down and took on the nature of a servant. And in humility he goes lower and lower and lower to be obedient, even to death on a cross.
[00:10:52] I know that the trajectory of following Jesus, and maybe you're like checking out Christianity and you feel like maybe this is going to lead to a really full life. I want to tell you that it absolutely does. But it doesn't always look like you might expect, because to follow Jesus is always a trajectory that looks like laying down rights and laying down privileges and laying down power for the sake of the person on the other side of the table.
[00:11:26] And in relationships, when we follow Jesus into the same mindset as Paul says, what we find is that we don't ignore or pretend like we don't have our own desires. It's simply that we put the desires of the other person in first position.
[00:11:42] And this is maybe one of the unhealthiest ways to do this, is just say, I don't have any desires or needs in relationships. I don't have any hopes or dreams. I am nothing and whatever you want, you know, I'm just a doormat for you to walk on. That is not what Paul and what Jesus are doing. Instead, they're saying, all the desires you have and all the hopes you have, you're gonna put those in second position to the person on the other side of that relationship. And what you're gonna experience when you do that is what Paul would call in Ephesians, this mutual submission to one another that is the perfect expression of the love of God. That is the heart and the center of everything we are called to be, because otherwise we put ourselves at the center. And if you've been in relationship for longer than a couple weeks, if you've been married for more than the honeymoon, you will realize that when I put myself at the center of that relationship, it only leads to dysfunction.
[00:12:41] But instead, when we have this expression of mutual love and submission to one another in relationships, what it leads to is health and what Jesus intended for us.
[00:12:51] And looking back here at, let's see, verse three, do nothing out of selfish ambition or vain conceit. The original Greek there, the selfish ambition. It was the same word that they would use for politicians who would.
[00:13:07] Would be ruthless in their ambition to take power and political office, which I know is hard to imagine today. So you kind of, kind of, you know, think back ancient times, this was common. I don't know.
[00:13:21] But it's a selfish ambition. And I want to tell you that oftentimes I'm guilty of this in my relationships, that I look at my relationships very transactionally, that if I can see what I need, what is a lack in me, if I can fill that through a relationship with you. And what I end up doing is I politic my way through relationships and then wonder why they're not going so well.
[00:13:48] And so Paul is saying, listen, if you follow the way of Jesus, you're gonna lay down that selfish ambition that looks like politicking your way Manipulating, trying to get out, extract out of the other person what you think you need. This is a radically different way to approach our relationships.
[00:14:07] And Paul would call it humility. Paul would call it humility.
[00:14:12] Whenever I marry a couple, officiate a wedding, oftentimes we'll read a very famous passage from Paul's writings in First Corinthians 13. And you probably would recognize these words. Love is patient, love is kind, it does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud, it does not dishonor others, it is not self seeking, it is not easily angered. And I always read that section, I think the couple is getting it. They really are hearing this. I think they're capturing what this means. But then we get to this last line of the sentence and it says, it keeps no record of wrongs. And always in the back of my head I'm thinking, they have no idea how hard that's going to be.
[00:14:56] They have no idea what it is to exist in intimate relationship with one another and not have a running tally of who owes who what.
[00:15:08] This is one of the most difficult pieces, I think, of any relationship, whether it's romantic or friendship or a co worker or a parent or a grandparent or a child, is how do we exist in relationship without collecting a tally of who owes who what?
[00:15:26] And I remember when we were first married, we had an ongoing conversation, a lively conversation, we'll say, about trying to make sure that our extended families got equal time. You know, have you had this conversation?
[00:15:41] And so we would do the thing where it's like, well, we did Thanksgiving over there, so now we're gonna do Christmas over here. But wait, but two Christmases ago it was actually with your family. And so we're gonna have to. And it was. Well, but we saw them at that memorial service, so I think I get some credit for that. Cause I did some FaceTime with your dad.
[00:15:59] You know, just tally, tally, tally. And then as our marriage went on, you know, I do something stupid. And I can tell that's getting written down in some journal she's writing. I know it is.
[00:16:14] I would never skim through her journals, but I guarantee you it's written down somewhere.
[00:16:21] I just remember it all. I don't even need to write it down. You know, I know what the score is. And when we follow in the way of Jesus, Paul would tell us, actually that is the most natural thing to do. But it's not love.
[00:16:35] It's not love.
[00:16:37] And I would tell every couple who's headed for the aisle, as I would tell myself in my relationships, and I would tell all of us today that to lay down the record of wrongs and rights is one of the most difficult things to do.
[00:16:52] It takes some of the most humility in relationships, but at the heart of it is saying, I'm gonna exist in relationship with you in a way where I have nothing to prove, nothing to protect.
[00:17:05] And what that feels like is vulnerability.
[00:17:08] And it's in that vulnerability where we have to trust God and the other person in a way that oftentimes is scary.
[00:17:18] But this is the posture.
[00:17:21] An author named Bob Goff, he wrote a best selling book called Love Does. He was here several years ago speaking to us as a church and he shares a story in his book Love does.
[00:17:33] Where in his career he was an attorney and he would always coach his clients before they would go on the witness stand. And he said, there's one rule that you cannot break when you sit on that witness stand. You have to hold your hands open, palms up, the entire time.
[00:17:53] And he says his clients would be like, why would we do that?
[00:17:57] And his reasoning was that it's really hard to get defensive and closed off with your hands open and your palms up.
[00:18:04] It's posture and even the physical posture and the act of doing that did something to the way that they would respond as they're being cross examined or questioned or accused.
[00:18:17] And I wonder in our relationships if oftentimes we get into a defensive position, a position of conflict, a fight or flight response.
[00:18:27] And the way of Jesus would call us to open our hands with our palms up and say, lord, come close in this relationship.
[00:18:37] And this requires us to oftentimes have an outlet for those moments when our expectations are unmet or we're disappointed, or a relationship is not panning out the way that we thought it would.
[00:18:53] And I loved a couple weeks ago when Pastor Ben talked about honesty and prayer, how sometimes the most powerful moments of prayer are not in this place where we are polite and religiously tuned to the right kind of language and way of approaching God. But it's in the truck or in the car with the door shut, all by ourselves when we cry out to God with a real honesty about where we feel like he's failed us, where we feel like he's missed it, where we don't understand why things haven't gone the way we had hoped. And if from that raw place of real emotion and concern, we cry out to God, and I shudder to think that God would ever hear our prayers and be like, whoa, that's too Honest, I had no idea he felt that way. That's crazy.
[00:19:48] Calm down. No.
[00:19:51] God knows us inside and out. God knows what we're thinking before we pray it. And so we would do well to come before him vulnerably and honestly and say everything.
[00:20:03] And we know this as parents that oftentimes. Have you ever heard your kid in a fight with their friends or yelling at their friends?
[00:20:10] And I remember our daughter was really young, maybe first or second grade, and we heard her just screaming at her friends out in the yard from the neighborhood. And they're all, like, staring at her, like, what's going on? She's like, I want you to be my better friends with me.
[00:20:23] And we're like, whoa, Clara, not a good way to keep friends. You know, screaming at them to be better friends, classically doesn't work.
[00:20:33] We kind of had this moment where we pulled her in off the street. We're like, it's okay. Talk to us first.
[00:20:39] Let that out here.
[00:20:41] We can carry that in a way that maybe that relationship with your friend from the neighborhood can't handle that. But we can handle that because we know you and we love you, and there's an unconditional safety here.
[00:20:55] And so it is with God that oftentimes what we wanna do is we wanna take all that we've collected, all the frustrations and tensions and conflicts.
[00:21:04] We wanna take it into that relationship and just dump it on that person. And God would say, come on, dump it on me.
[00:21:10] I'll take it.
[00:21:12] I can receive your complaints. And this is what I love. Psalm 142, where David prays this. He says, I pour out my complaint. And before him I tell my trouble.
[00:21:24] This is a wonderful practice. If you find yourself in conflict in relationships, is it starting to every day, pouring out your complaint before the Lord?
[00:21:34] Oftentimes we're really polite with God and we're really rude to others.
[00:21:39] Maybe we can flip that where Jesus can handle the raw honesty of what is working and what is not.
[00:21:48] And we release that to the Lord before we enter into relationships each and every day.
[00:22:00] Humility moves first.
[00:22:02] You know, there's oftentimes in relationships where relationship breaks off. We were just talking about this last week how there's almost a trend for adult children of parents to find reasons to cut off their parents.
[00:22:20] And we go dark because of a offense or something that broke that relationship. And so relationship is cut off.
[00:22:29] And I think oftentimes we find ourselves in all kinds of relationships where what was once close or where we were in close relationship, that fails us. And so we're closed off to that. And maybe there's a desire in us to see that relationship be reconciled. But the thought is this, I'm the more mature person in this relationship, of course, and so they need to make the first move because they were more wrong than I was and they caused more of the break in relationship.
[00:23:07] But can I tell you that I think we all think we're the more mature one in conflicts in relationships?
[00:23:13] I mean, do you have that inner monologue where you're in tension with somebody in relationship and so you lay out all the reasons why you're right and you imagine like everyone around you listening, like, that is such a good point. Evan, you're so right.
[00:23:28] If only they could understand how right you are.
[00:23:33] And then you go about your business and you exist in relationships and distance continues to form.
[00:23:40] And I think the way of Jesus is to acknowledge that regardless of who was more in the wrong or more in the right, somebody has to go first to move towards reconciliation.
[00:23:53] And I think to follow Jesus is to lay down our rights to go second and to move first towards forgiveness and healing in relationships.
[00:24:05] Because this is our hope is that we would live our lives and get to the end of our lives with no regrets.
[00:24:14] We may not see every relationship come back together. We may not see every friendship reconciled.
[00:24:20] There's a reality of living this life where relationships break off. But I want to get to the end of my life not saying, yeah, I fixed every single relationship that went wrong, but that in every relationship I had no regrets, that I did whatever I could.
[00:24:38] As much as it was up to me to follow Jesus into humbly loving and serving what love required.
[00:24:48] And a throwback to week one where Jesus said, all of the law and the prophets, all the instructions of God are wrapped up into this one command to love the Lord and to love each other.
[00:25:02] So maybe our question today is not how to get people around me to change their behavior or how do I get my agenda in this relationship accomplished?
[00:25:13] How do I get past the messiness of existing and humble relationship and just get to the point where whatever lack is in me is filled by you, but instead we ask the question, what would it look like for me to take the posture of Jesus towards you, to take that trajectory that looks like down, down, down as we take the humble place in our relationships?
[00:25:40] And I want to say this, I think it's important, anytime we talk about relationships and serving one another and submitting to one another humbly, as Jesus has modeled, we can maybe be misheard for those that are in really, really challenging situations, even abusive situations.
[00:26:03] And I've heard plenty of pastors use scripture to justify staying in abusive situations.
[00:26:10] And I know this is not for everybody in the room, but maybe it's for somebody in the room if you are in an abusive situation, physically, verbally, sexually.
[00:26:21] I want to tell you that Jesus had his harshest criticism for those who abused power at the expense of the safety of other people without power.
[00:26:32] And so, as a church, as your pastor, we will stand with you to see that you are safe and that you have the resources and the connection to the right people to get you into a safe place. Because we would never justify abuse using Scripture. Amen.
[00:26:49] And I want to make that clear as we talk about this. And there are plenty of moments in our relationships that are difficult and tricky and filled with conflict, and.
[00:27:01] But we acknowledge that there is a threshold that gets crossed when it crosses into abuse.
[00:27:06] And in this place, we want you to know that you have an advocate in us as the leadership of this church and as staff and pastors. Amen.
[00:27:19] So I want to invite you today, in every relationship, especially those that have grown distant, that you keep the door open to what God might do.
[00:27:35] That if we really believe in a God who his whole point in showing up and entering our world and walking our streets and getting the dust of our roads on his feet was to make us right with God and make us right with each other, that in those places where we are wrong with each other, that we would leave the door open, that maybe, just maybe, God would do a work. And if we are willing and if we are obedient to the way of Jesus, to go first and humbly reassess what God might do, that there could be reconciliation in our relationships. Again, I want to pray for you today.
[00:28:13] Would you bow your heads before we enter into a time of communion?
[00:28:20] Lord Jesus, we would ask you that.
[00:28:24] That you would come close in our relationships for those that are going so well and we feel such closeness, I pray that we would lean even further into the way of Jesus and serve one another with joy.
[00:28:38] For those relationships that are on the rocks and feel like they're falling apart. Lord Jesus, would you crack open that door of hope that maybe something's gonna change because you're close.
[00:28:53] And, Lord, I especially pray for those like Elijah today who feel exhausted, isolated and alone, that even now they'd hear the still small voice of God and the touch of Jesus saying, I know this journey's been too much for you, but I'm Here, I'm going to strengthen you, Lo. We need your presence in this community.
[00:29:18] We haven't come to this place because of anyone's convincing words. We're here because Jesus, we believe in you and the power that you have through your grace and your mercy to make us right with one another.
[00:29:33] So I pray that you do that in your church today. I pray this in Jesus name. Amen. Amen. We're going to enter into a time of communion as we close today in just a moment, especially if you're new here. What we do is we're gonna stand and there's tables all around the room. You can take the cracker, dip it in the juice and receive it right there at the table. If you want the elements brought to you in your seat, our ushers are gonna come around right now. So if you'd rather do that, you can raise your hand and they'll bring those around.
[00:30:00] First Corinthians 11. Paul says, on the night when he was betrayed, the Lord Jesus took some bread and gave thanks to God for it. And then he broke it into pieces and he said, this is my body which is given for you.
[00:30:09] Do this in remembrance of me. And in the same way, he took the cup of wine after supper, saying, this cup is the new covenant between God and his people. An agreement confirmed with my blood. Do this in remembrance of me as often as you drink it. The bread and the cup are a powerful symbol of Jesus sacrifice. Christ's body given for you and his blood shed for you on the cross. And here at Westside, no one's obligated to participate, but everybody's welcome.
[00:30:33] You who have much faith, you who would like to have more, you who have tried to follow Jesus, you who have failed, we invite everyone come to the table.
[00:30:41] Christ has died, Christ has risen. And Christ will come again. Come, Holy Spirit. Amen. Let's stand together.
[00:30:53] Lord, we find all of our hope for our relationships here at the cross.
[00:30:59] Somehow, in the broken body and the spilled blood of Jesus, we are given this radical hope that reconciliation and a future and a peace is at hand because of what you've done on the cross. And so, Lord, as we remember and recognize and worship you here at the cross, may it be for our life, our forgiveness, our salvation as we look to you. We pray this in Jesus powerful name. Amen. Amen.
